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The All-Virginia Orchestra is an elite group of the best high school musicians in the state.  In order to qualify, each student must perform in a blind audition for a panel of judges and receive a score.  As results came in, I remember my students anxiously peering at the list which was taped on the wall, searching for their names. Did they make the cut?  And if they DID find their names, how did they rank?  As their orchestra director and string teacher, I had participated as a judge, making comparative assessments of excerpts and scales.  The criteria were measurable and objective -  intonation, rhythm, tone, tempo, phrasing. I was always proud of any student who put herself in the larger arena; the student willing to stand up to a larger measuring stick, competing against other strong players.  The successful orchestra students experienced an exciting opportunity to perform advanced repertoire with motivated peers and a guest conductor; the best might even be chosen as section leaders or concertmasters.  These students would also know they had been “measured,” and had proven their abilities. But what about the students who had auditioned and hadn’t been selected?  How did this experience affect their self-esteem and artistic development?

I recently received an email from the American Impressionist Society titled “AIS announces accepted artists for 2021 AIS Associate Member Online Juried Exhibition!”  Download the full list here.  As I scanned the alphabetical list with hope and anxiety, I vividly remembered those orchestra students.

The 25 years I worked as a musician and orchestra teacher have profoundly influenced my journey as an artist.  It is in my nature to assess myself.   When I first learn a new skill, the stakes are low and the progress is fairly quick.  It always feels good to succeed.  Raising the bar risks failure, and yet experience has shown me that risking failure is a reliable path to mastery, if I don’t give up.  There is another risk, however, that may be even more important.  What is the effect of competition on artistic expression?  Is ambition a helpful or harmful artistic trait?  I think it is important to consider this question from two perspectives, and it helps me to compartmentalize them.  First and foremost, humans are all equally valuable. I believe one needs to have enough self-regard to separate one’s worth from one’s achievements. The ideas one contemplates, the things that spark curiosity, or the understanding of oneself in the world - these are all unique, internal attributes of identity and sources of creativity. I believe this is the most important basis for artistic expression. Second, artistic improvement requires setting goals and risking failure. For painting, as well as music, an efficient and rigorous way to grow is through comparative measurement.  We start with unfettered voices as children, but it isn’t long before the world shows us our shortcomings.  For me, a huge step forward came when I realized that failure – even embarrassingly public failure (an inevitable hazard as a performing musician)  - did not mortally wound me, and in fact, was usually a “teachable moment.”  Getting over the ego-bruises began to give me artistic courage.  As a painter, this artistic courage has sent me into painting residencies, plein air events, and juried exhibitions with phenomenal painters, who have humbled, inspired, and influenced me. Applying to juried events (and being rejected or accepted) has been discouraging, thrilling, intimidating, and educational, and sometimes, I have found recognition. This recognition is decidedly external, and can inflate the ego to overshadow the internal sources of creativity.  Aristotle saw the pitfalls of ambition when he said, “We blame a man for being ambitious if he seeks recognition more than is right or from wrong sources.” Yet he knew the unambitious were also criticized, for having no aspirations to get better.

Back to the email.  My name was on the list!  My painting was among 320 paintings selected from almost 2000 entries across the US.  The AIS has now put me on their list three times.  I have failed to make the list MANY more times.  Was I happy to see my name? – you bet!  Will I define myself by this measurement and recognition?  Briefly and with gratitude.  And then I might feel the swing back inward, listening to that internal voice that has been in me since childhood.  After that, maybe I’ll set the bar higher again.